What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 03:48
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why do people love to live alone in a house?
So whats the point in blame.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She was in good health!
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So, i spoilt her more .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One cannot live in the past .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Comes on , in middle age.
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
He knew the spot.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She married twice! .
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Why do you think Filipinos are conservatives?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Can a twin flame runner be happy in a karmic relationship?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was seconnd youngest,
She loved him until the end.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im still living with it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But it wasn’t much.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Who then, do I blame.?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We all went to grammer schools
My life is so biszare .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But, we were locked up after school.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She found it foreign!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I write beautiful poetry .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I have no regrets .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was scared of men, in general
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It was going to be , some day.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Put me off passion for life!!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I don,t even have a pension.
And i lived it daily.
We were not on the streets..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was 9 years of age.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She wouldn,t have been !
Was to survive, this bastard.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
This is soul school!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Ive learnt so much.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was very sick at this time too.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
All the time i was locked up.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I think the readers, may guess!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He resisted the act ,that day.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I will be 64.
My family never makes their pension either.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I said to her
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Would this be the day?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I waited trembling.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
What did i know ?
When she asked me how she looked .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers